New Year’s Resolutions

So it’s nearly March, have you forgotten all your New Year’s Resolutions yet? That’s probably because your resolutions were the same, boring ones everyone always makes. Let’s face it, you haven’t lost 10 lbs, you haven’t quit smoking, you haven’t gone to the gym three times this week. You haven’t even finished that novel you started almost four weeks ago. However, there are some New Year’s Resolutions worth making — and keeping.

To properly welcome the New Year, we should consider some meaningful changes.

We will revert back to 100 BC, and live life meaningfully.

We destroy all modern technology, except high-speed wireless internet, water heaters, and mp3 players. No, wait. Water heaters are for pussies. Televisions will be abandoned. Philosophers will be running around in togas. Mathematicians will solve proofs while ignoring the violent battles happening around them. Congressmen will be willing to die for what they vote for — and they will always vote. We will eat only animals we ourselves hunted and killed — after roasting them on massive spits outside the houses that we built for ourselves. We will abolish the death penalty and revive gladiator sport. Our libraries will be open 24/7, they will contain massive papyri collections, and only be written in Ancient Greek (which, naturally, everyone will speak).

Sick and tired of doing chores? Conquer a neighboring town and capture slaves to do it for you. Gone are the days where slavery is an institution of hate towards a specific race! Simply challenge a city-state (don’t you miss that word?) to a war, and the winners get to enslave the losers, fair and square. Social Darwinism blossoms into its full glory. (If you’re still queasy, the children of conquered peoples are born free men, not slaves. No one pays for the inferior fighting skills of their parents.)

No one will live in foolishly cold places like Chicago; it’s all about the Mediterranean, baby. The Caribbean is acceptable, if we rename it the Medi-two-rranean. There will be no foolish students who only learn things because they want to get rich being a soulless doctor or corporate executive. There will be mandatory training in either sword-fighting or archery, preferably both. People will be educated in moral as well as intellectual matters. Civilizations will be sustainable again. Ideas will be the primary focus of society, without exorbitant amounts of money to distract ourselves with. We will combine the best elements of Persia, Athens, Sparta, and the rest of the Ancient World. We will have honour again. We will have heroes again.

This will be accomplished by the release of self-assembling nanobot swarms, without replication-limiting code. They will quickly and effectively destroy modern cities and dwellings, and relocate people to the suitable areas of the world. They will then self-destruct (or hide underground for a couple thousand years until they are necessary again). This, children, is why it’s important to study chemistry. If you support these resolutions, it is high time you started learning how to build these nanobots. If you oppose them, it is high time you started learning how to kill them. Similarly, prepare yourself by learning how to use a sword and a bow, as well as a dead language or two. Study up on edible plants, and how to fish with your bare hands.

Pre-med? Try, PRE-SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!